Story 8 : Diary of the Honey Girl
The prompt for this month's story was "I never knew." Pretty simple and straightforward, and definitely easy to write about. And then, one of the writers on our writer's group came up with an idea that suddenly made it very challenging.
January 1, 1949
Happy new year to myself! My new year resolution – I will be writing in this diary every day. Or at least most days, or whenever I get the time. But a few years from now, I’m sure there will be people dying to read what I will have written here. Does that mean I’ll need to be careful about what I say here? Maybe. But, no, I won’t let the fear of what people will think influence my writing – at least, not too much. I will say what I feel, and let them deal with it. No one will take me for granted, even if I let them think they do – I know it will be required, for the path ahead won’t be an easy one. How much will I change with time? My diary will tell me – and also the people who will read it when I will no longer be walking in their midst.
After all, these future readers, surely they will want to know what were my innermost thoughts, what I was really like, beyond the carefully cultivated image? Or will they be mere voyeurs, hungry to devour my words with their eyes, like they have done my body all these years, waiting to tear my life apart with their eyes and mouths, just to titillate their senses for a few moments of excitement before they get back to their boring lives?
January 2, 1949
I’ll never forget today. No matter how many more such occasions I encounter, today will always stay a special one. For no particular reason, I will remember today as the day when I felt happy waking up, filled with gratitude for being alive.
This feeling will spill over into the rest of my day. I’ll keep telling myself, “Life is good. Your movies are doing well and will continue to attract huge crowds. You will become far more famous that you are today, and one day, not far from today, you will be considered a beautiful and accomplished actress.”
January 30, 1949
I will be meeting KA today, and LM will be coming, too! We will discuss the success of our last film and as usual, KA will use his sharp tongue to point out all that went wrong, while LM’s eyes will be shooting daggers at him, because she’ll be worried about how it will affect me. I’ll be nice to them both, though. “Don’t worry about me, LM,” I’ll say, and hopefully, she will take the hint and back off. I won’t let anyone – not even a good friend like LM who cares for me – sabotage my chances of bagging another movie with a master at the craft like KA.
June 12, 1950
Today evening, I will be going to meet this upcoming director GD, who, I can see, is destined for success. No one else can see it yet, but when it happens, I’ll have the pleasure of telling them, “See? I told you so.” They will then begin to realize the value of my judgment – and start to look at me with new eyes. Maybe some of the fools will unravel enough under the influence of those drinks they like to down at every party. Then, they’ll admit, “You were right, M. How did you know? Man, I never thought you had something going between those pretty ears.” Will I get livid at their implication of what I had going where? Or will I just put on my pouty smile, and give them the dumb look I’ve perfected, and act like I don’t get what they’re insinuating? Whatever – either way, I’ll definitely have a ball of a time watching them make a mess of themselves falling all over me, trying to get at what they see as the bit of paradise between some other parts of my anatomy.
But whatever else happens, I will definitely work my charm on GD and then, he will be so besotted that there will be no question as to whom he will cast in his next film. I’ll have the last laugh, yet!
February 14, 1951
We will be having a party tonight for the special occasion that today is. Will DK honour my invitation and come? Will all those coy smiles I’ve been shooting his way these past few months, bear fruit tonight? How will the man of this house react? What will be my condition in a few hours from now, if I’m already chewing out my nails? I’ll probably ask myself in a while, “Why, oh why, am I so restless today? Why does just looking at DK make my heart thud so loud I’m sure all around can hear the boom?” Will I find an answer to this question, or will it remain one of those areas that one must never name in words, but only experience with the heart and soul, and revel in saying to oneself, “I never knew such joy could be found without any reason, at the mere thought of someone, even when they’re not in front of you?”
Or, oh heavens, will DK stay away, with his typical aloof dignity, far beyond the lure of such concerns, uncaring of the sensations he evokes in me? What will happen of me, then? How will I carry on with this farce, smiling all the while outside, so the world can exclaim at my ‘incandescent glow,’ while I’ll be dying a slow death inside, the embers of this fire ravaging my very inner being?
May 20, 1951
Will I be able to hang on to this feeling of unadulterated bliss, after realizing that DK loves me just as much as I do, him? How beautiful will our future be? We’ll be a hit pair – doing many more films together. Maybe after a few years, I’ll take a break to have a couple of kids, and then, we’ll become the ideal family – one unaffected by gossip and rumours because neither I nor DK will have cause to stray. I’ll make sure our children study well, unlike me, and they will find meaning in doing things far away from this glitzy world of ours, where you’re never really sure of what’s real and what’s not.
April 3, 1952
My family will be going out next week for a vacation, from which I’ve pleaded off, saying I’m tired and need to rest. I’ll spend all my free time with DK, and who knows, maybe like last month, he too will surprise me by flying down to be with me for a few days? They will keep calling me, I know, to find out what I’m up to; that look in their eyes is very telling of how careful I will have to be with my stories so they won’t find out about DK, whom they do not like.
18 October, 1954
Life will never be the same again. I’ll continue to work with DK occasionally, but there will be nothing that springs to life within me doing it. For the nth time, I’ll tell myself, “I never knew his uncompromising honesty would sound the death knell for our relationship.”
“My family never really accepted him, but he didn’t help things any by testifying against us in that court case,” I’ll rue.
How will I find the strength to go on and on, being the glowing femme fatale with her radiant smile, when I feel trapped in this black cloud that threatens to choke my very breath? Will it begin to show, and kill the few chances that are yet to come my way? Or will all the producers and directors start ignoring me, and going with the younger lot of beautiful girls who’re entering the industry?
8 August, 1960
KK will agree when I ask to marry him. KK will never refuse me anything. But, will he truly care for me even after marriage? Perhaps he will but then, maybe he won’t. Will my condition become like that of the toy that’s cherished only as long as it’s allure attracts from the glass cabinet at the corner of the toyshop, but lies uncared for on the carpet and perhaps even trod on by the child who grows tired of the toy, and then sets its sights on a new attraction? What options will I have then? I’ll have to accept my reality and move on, against this wall of resistance that will always be blocking my path.
19 December, 1960
I won’t be able to go to the sets tomorrow because of my health. I will ask the director to postpone the shoot to another day. He’ll crib, I know, like many have started doing, but he’ll agree, because I’m still a star, although a waning one. People will start talking if they see the medicines I have to take to just continue functioning like a normal person. I’ll start coughing and get confused within a few seconds of starting to say my lines and then, everyone will know I’m unwell. No, no, I won’t let them discover this. Not by my own actions. The world must continue to see me as the most beautiful woman in the world – I won’t let that image die.
25 March, 1961
When will the pain go away? Until when must I suffer thus? I won’t be writing much in this diary from now on – how will I do it, when there is no strength left to even hold the pen? I want to live, please, God, let me live…
The Marilyn Monroe. Of India. That is what they will call me, but there’s no way I can know that now.
“The smouldering looks, the short career, the tragic end. There was a remarkable similarity in the soft vulnerability of their faces,” a biographer will write about me.
All will say, “How beautiful and charming Madhubala was! What grace and what comic timing to match that of KK!”
Ages after I’m no more, year after year, I will continue to figure on those Top 10 lists that the media draws up, of the most beautiful women in the world.
Those who read of my birth on 14th February, will exclaim at how apt a day for my birth.
They will call me the “Venus of India.”
And someone writing an article on me, will remember these lines from a song picturised on me in the famous movie “Mughal-e-Azam” in which I starred as Anarkali, smiling and dancing my way into the hearts of the people of India.
“Teri mehfil mein kismat aazmakar hum bhi dekhenge,
Yeh kya kam hai ke mar jaane pe duniya yaad karti hain.”
“I will try my luck in your court. Is it a trifle that people remember you long after you are gone from this world?”
She suggested that writers who wanted to push themselves, must:
- Write in the first person (narrate the story saying, "I...")
- Use the future tense !! ("I will...")
- Incorporate a twist at the end...
- The narrator must be Marilyn Monroe !!
There was no compulsion to take up the additional challenge, but I couldn't resist the thought of taking it up. Besides, I anyway had no other ideas, so let me go with this writer's suggestions, I decided.
As the decision took root, Google helped research the topic, and after 3 hours of frenetic writing, here's the story I came up with.
It's designed like the excerpts from a diary of the star, and of course, heavily fictionalized. If reading it, you feel you "got into her head," my purpose has been served perfectly.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
January 1, 1949
Happy new year to myself! My new year resolution – I will be writing in this diary every day. Or at least most days, or whenever I get the time. But a few years from now, I’m sure there will be people dying to read what I will have written here. Does that mean I’ll need to be careful about what I say here? Maybe. But, no, I won’t let the fear of what people will think influence my writing – at least, not too much. I will say what I feel, and let them deal with it. No one will take me for granted, even if I let them think they do – I know it will be required, for the path ahead won’t be an easy one. How much will I change with time? My diary will tell me – and also the people who will read it when I will no longer be walking in their midst.
After all, these future readers, surely they will want to know what were my innermost thoughts, what I was really like, beyond the carefully cultivated image? Or will they be mere voyeurs, hungry to devour my words with their eyes, like they have done my body all these years, waiting to tear my life apart with their eyes and mouths, just to titillate their senses for a few moments of excitement before they get back to their boring lives?
January 2, 1949
I’ll never forget today. No matter how many more such occasions I encounter, today will always stay a special one. For no particular reason, I will remember today as the day when I felt happy waking up, filled with gratitude for being alive.
This feeling will spill over into the rest of my day. I’ll keep telling myself, “Life is good. Your movies are doing well and will continue to attract huge crowds. You will become far more famous that you are today, and one day, not far from today, you will be considered a beautiful and accomplished actress.”
January 30, 1949
I will be meeting KA today, and LM will be coming, too! We will discuss the success of our last film and as usual, KA will use his sharp tongue to point out all that went wrong, while LM’s eyes will be shooting daggers at him, because she’ll be worried about how it will affect me. I’ll be nice to them both, though. “Don’t worry about me, LM,” I’ll say, and hopefully, she will take the hint and back off. I won’t let anyone – not even a good friend like LM who cares for me – sabotage my chances of bagging another movie with a master at the craft like KA.
June 12, 1950
Today evening, I will be going to meet this upcoming director GD, who, I can see, is destined for success. No one else can see it yet, but when it happens, I’ll have the pleasure of telling them, “See? I told you so.” They will then begin to realize the value of my judgment – and start to look at me with new eyes. Maybe some of the fools will unravel enough under the influence of those drinks they like to down at every party. Then, they’ll admit, “You were right, M. How did you know? Man, I never thought you had something going between those pretty ears.” Will I get livid at their implication of what I had going where? Or will I just put on my pouty smile, and give them the dumb look I’ve perfected, and act like I don’t get what they’re insinuating? Whatever – either way, I’ll definitely have a ball of a time watching them make a mess of themselves falling all over me, trying to get at what they see as the bit of paradise between some other parts of my anatomy.
But whatever else happens, I will definitely work my charm on GD and then, he will be so besotted that there will be no question as to whom he will cast in his next film. I’ll have the last laugh, yet!
February 14, 1951
We will be having a party tonight for the special occasion that today is. Will DK honour my invitation and come? Will all those coy smiles I’ve been shooting his way these past few months, bear fruit tonight? How will the man of this house react? What will be my condition in a few hours from now, if I’m already chewing out my nails? I’ll probably ask myself in a while, “Why, oh why, am I so restless today? Why does just looking at DK make my heart thud so loud I’m sure all around can hear the boom?” Will I find an answer to this question, or will it remain one of those areas that one must never name in words, but only experience with the heart and soul, and revel in saying to oneself, “I never knew such joy could be found without any reason, at the mere thought of someone, even when they’re not in front of you?”
Or, oh heavens, will DK stay away, with his typical aloof dignity, far beyond the lure of such concerns, uncaring of the sensations he evokes in me? What will happen of me, then? How will I carry on with this farce, smiling all the while outside, so the world can exclaim at my ‘incandescent glow,’ while I’ll be dying a slow death inside, the embers of this fire ravaging my very inner being?
May 20, 1951
Will I be able to hang on to this feeling of unadulterated bliss, after realizing that DK loves me just as much as I do, him? How beautiful will our future be? We’ll be a hit pair – doing many more films together. Maybe after a few years, I’ll take a break to have a couple of kids, and then, we’ll become the ideal family – one unaffected by gossip and rumours because neither I nor DK will have cause to stray. I’ll make sure our children study well, unlike me, and they will find meaning in doing things far away from this glitzy world of ours, where you’re never really sure of what’s real and what’s not.
April 3, 1952
My family will be going out next week for a vacation, from which I’ve pleaded off, saying I’m tired and need to rest. I’ll spend all my free time with DK, and who knows, maybe like last month, he too will surprise me by flying down to be with me for a few days? They will keep calling me, I know, to find out what I’m up to; that look in their eyes is very telling of how careful I will have to be with my stories so they won’t find out about DK, whom they do not like.
18 October, 1954
Life will never be the same again. I’ll continue to work with DK occasionally, but there will be nothing that springs to life within me doing it. For the nth time, I’ll tell myself, “I never knew his uncompromising honesty would sound the death knell for our relationship.”
“My family never really accepted him, but he didn’t help things any by testifying against us in that court case,” I’ll rue.
How will I find the strength to go on and on, being the glowing femme fatale with her radiant smile, when I feel trapped in this black cloud that threatens to choke my very breath? Will it begin to show, and kill the few chances that are yet to come my way? Or will all the producers and directors start ignoring me, and going with the younger lot of beautiful girls who’re entering the industry?
8 August, 1960
KK will agree when I ask to marry him. KK will never refuse me anything. But, will he truly care for me even after marriage? Perhaps he will but then, maybe he won’t. Will my condition become like that of the toy that’s cherished only as long as it’s allure attracts from the glass cabinet at the corner of the toyshop, but lies uncared for on the carpet and perhaps even trod on by the child who grows tired of the toy, and then sets its sights on a new attraction? What options will I have then? I’ll have to accept my reality and move on, against this wall of resistance that will always be blocking my path.
19 December, 1960
I won’t be able to go to the sets tomorrow because of my health. I will ask the director to postpone the shoot to another day. He’ll crib, I know, like many have started doing, but he’ll agree, because I’m still a star, although a waning one. People will start talking if they see the medicines I have to take to just continue functioning like a normal person. I’ll start coughing and get confused within a few seconds of starting to say my lines and then, everyone will know I’m unwell. No, no, I won’t let them discover this. Not by my own actions. The world must continue to see me as the most beautiful woman in the world – I won’t let that image die.
25 March, 1961
When will the pain go away? Until when must I suffer thus? I won’t be writing much in this diary from now on – how will I do it, when there is no strength left to even hold the pen? I want to live, please, God, let me live…
The Marilyn Monroe. Of India. That is what they will call me, but there’s no way I can know that now.
“The smouldering looks, the short career, the tragic end. There was a remarkable similarity in the soft vulnerability of their faces,” a biographer will write about me.
All will say, “How beautiful and charming Madhubala was! What grace and what comic timing to match that of KK!”
Ages after I’m no more, year after year, I will continue to figure on those Top 10 lists that the media draws up, of the most beautiful women in the world.
Those who read of my birth on 14th February, will exclaim at how apt a day for my birth.
They will call me the “Venus of India.”
And someone writing an article on me, will remember these lines from a song picturised on me in the famous movie “Mughal-e-Azam” in which I starred as Anarkali, smiling and dancing my way into the hearts of the people of India.
“Teri mehfil mein kismat aazmakar hum bhi dekhenge,
Yeh kya kam hai ke mar jaane pe duniya yaad karti hain.”
“I will try my luck in your court. Is it a trifle that people remember you long after you are gone from this world?”
For more information on Madhubala, do read this https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2018/obituaries/overlooked-madhubala.html
Beautiful ...
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Shilpa :-)
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